“I hate you so much, Midian...” Parfait grumbled as her phone disconnected the latest in a 25-call-spree to her jackalope friend.

“Everything alright?” the fox, whom she met at her most recent rave attendance, asked.

“Yeah... my friend isn’t answering the phone.” She folded her arms and puffed her cheeks as the cold wind outside made her immediately regret her short-shorts. Her knees buckled in response. “What an irresponsible guy... jeez.”

“Well...” the fox leaned up against the chain-link fence separating the sidewalk from plain grassland. “...it IS 3 in the morning.”

“That’s not a good enough excuse.” Parfait vainly whirled her head around as if looking for something that would get her home. Maybe a discarded hovercraft or something else completely impossible. “Uuugh. Do you have a car or something?”

“Nah,” he responded quickly; rolling his eyes simultaneously. “I live real close anyways.”

“Hummm...” she thought about it for a little bit – her tail, like it always does, spanking the cement ground beneath her. “...you think I could snatch a warm house for the night so I don’t have to be a hobo?”

“Sure, why not.”

~

“Yeesh!” Parfait covered her nose as she took her first few steps through the fox’s house’s front door. “What the hell is that smell?”

“It’s fish.” He flicked her right ear as stepped passed her. “You don’t know what fish smells like?”
“Pfft! Of course I know what it smells like.” She fake-gagged with a finger in her mouth. “But I didn’t realize it was being cooked by a total twit.”

“Heyyyy! I cooked tha—“

“A total... twit.”

“EITHER WAY, we’re going up to my room so you don’t have to smell my horrifying cooking.”

“Thank goodness I don’t have to eat it.”

“Keep saying stuff like that and I won’t make you breakfast.”

“Good – I don’t want to die.” Parfait stuck her tongue out at him playfully.

The fox’s room was small and quaint. It looked like an average college student’s room with a laptop, notebook paper strewn about, random knickknacks and whatnot. “So, you live with your parents still?” Parfait bluntly asked.

“Yep, unfortunately.”

“Where are they now?”

“In their room.” He sat down at his computer chair and spun around it in a little bit.

Parfait had stepped on a few gum wrappers on her way in. “Uuuh...” she glanced back at the closed door across the hallway landing. “...they.. wouldn’t mind... if I’m here then?”

“They don’t care. Just tell them you’re 18 or whatever.”

“But I totally am.” Parfait winked at him and continued with a sarcastic tone. “I just drank too much coffee and now my growth is all messed up.”

The fox kicked up his feet to his bed and leaned back on his chair. “So, did you wanna just go to sleep or what?”

Parfait, in response, hopped on his bed and outstretched her arms and legs to try covering all 4 corners of space. “All mine!” she squeaked as her tail stuck up erect and her disheveled hair obscured her face.

“So I invite you to my house and you steal my bed?” he shook his head. “Selfish bitch.” He laughed.

“Pffft, you gotta show hospitaaaality. Right, foxyboy?” she sighed in pleasure at his comfortable bed. At least the sheets smelled like cologne so it would distract her from the fish smell still somewhat emanating from downstairs.

“Knock yourself out – I try to avoid that bed anyways because of all the snacks I leave under it.” He took a sip of some soda can that looked to have been there for several days. “Attracts lots of spiders and shit.”

At the word “spiders” Parfait was already flying right out of the covers. “What kinda slob are you?!” she almost screamed.

“I’m just teasing.”

“NOW I’M NOT GOING TO BE SURE IF YOU’RE LYING ABOUT TEASING!”

In response, the fox lethargically twirled around to face his computer and booted it up. Parfait’s eyebrows couldn’t raise higher than they were right at that moment at she started, slack-jawed, in awe at his actions. “Are you kidding me?”

“What?” he took another sip of the decrepit soda can. “I gotta get my homework done.”

Parfait legitimately felt insulted. “What? You got this cute beaver girl all to yourself in your room and you’re just gonna go and do your math homework?”

“English homework.”

“WHATEVER!” she threw her fists down at her sides; also having to make a conscious effort not to go all slap-happy with her tail on everything in this room. She wouldn’t want to meet his parents even if they didn’t care she was there. “Come ooon! That’s just boring.”

“Well, it’s due in like two days and I spent all of tonight partying.” He sighed. “I would love to stay up and talk and stuff, but I really gotta do this essay.”

“Who said anything about talking?” Parfait muttered under her breath.

She hopped on his lap; planting her hands at the front edge of his desk. She then vigorously pushed down on the power button of the laptop and snickered in response as the fox groaned loudly.

He turned it back on and grabbed both of Parfait’s hands so she couldn’t disrupt him anymore. “Come on, stop it.” Her struggles for freedom were hilariously weak against him.

“YOU come on! I’m not gonna just sit here and watch you type an essay or whatever!”

“Want me to put on some cartoons for you, then?”

“WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? 5?” she thrashed around in her foxhand-restraints.

“I don’t know what would entertain you... so uh... what would entertain you?” he picked her up and set her gently on her feet. “I got an Xbox, I got movies, stuff like that.”

“Uugh!” Parfait defiantly jumped back on his lap. “You are seriously the most clueless guy I’ve seen in... I don’t know, a few days I guess.” She bounced a few times on his lap. “I know a super smart guy – he’s the guy I was trying to get to pick me up earlier! I can just ask him to do the essay for you.” She knew her friend, Midian’s, blood would boil if he heard her say that.

“It’s about The Age of Innocence.”

“Yeah! I’m sure that’s like... one of his favorite books.” She had no clue... but she was sure Midian’s blood would be volcanic by now.

“Wait, seriously?” his eyes lit up with hope as if he had low expectations for his grades. Parfait was surprised he was actually buying it. “Do you think he’d be able to make an essay about—“

“He can make an essay about anything in that book, I guarantee you!” she nodded. “He’s a super smart genius, after all.”

“Oh my gosh... that would be amazing!” his giddiness was a little jarring. “What would I have to do to get him to write it for me?!”

“Uuuuh...” a mischievous smirk crept up the little beaver’s face. “Well. He gets... most of his jobs from me, yeah! We make a little bit of a profit from doing homework and... stuff.”

“Wait, really?” he ruffled his hair as he pondered. “A job out of doing homework?”

“Yuh huh!” Parfait was trying her hardest not to cackle at how stupid this situation was. “All it would take is like... I dunno... 100 dollars?”

“I don’t know... that’s.... huh... that’s a little expensive, isn’t it?”

Parfait, still on his lap, started to grind on him gently. “I could sweeten the deal and make it 200 dollars if you wanna have a good night tonight.”

“W—“ his voice caught in his throat. “I... that... that was what you were talking about earlier, isn’t it...”

“Yep! As I said: Most clueless dude in... a few days.”

“But... uh... how old are you... actually?” this entire time he figured she was just using a fake ID to get into the party because of how small she was – but now he REALLY wanted to believe she was 18 or over because this proposition was too tempting. Not having sex in about 2 years didn’t make things easier for him.

“I’m totally 18!” Her lips were almost quivering with how much effort she was putting into not laughing. “I actually drank a bunch of coffee when I was young and stunted my growth super hard.” She was aware that the whole coffee-stunting-growth thing was a myth, but she normally used it just because it sounded legitimate.

“And uh... you’re... clean... right?” he was very hesitant to say it – but by the time it left his mouth he couldn’t stop it.

“Is your answer yes or no, jeez. I’m clean. Don’t need to go and insult me.”

“U-uh... sorry... and it’s just... $200 for both... sex and getting my essay written?”

Was he actually going for this? Parfait sort of thought he was just being stupid at first and would wise up to it eventually but his wide-eyed curiosity was so official. It would have been terrible to manipulate him like this because she knew Midian would absolutely not write his essay... buuuut... $200 and sex?

She mentally weighed the scales of the two decisions and immediately went for the latter. “YEP!” she blurted out.

“S-so...”

Parfait lifted herself from his lap and pulled down her shorts in response to his stuttering; causing him to almost undulate in shivers. “Better than writing an essay, huh?”